November

I don't know about the rest of the world, but November was a one heck of a month for me.

You would think that with my birthday, Thanksgiving, a week off, and all of the other fun little things that usually happen in November, that it would have been a great month. Ultimately, that was not how I felt most of the time. Looking at the teacher's feelings throughout the year, November for me was that bottom part. I slipped into that "disillusionment" phase without even realizing it.

I know that it's been quite some time since I posted last. There are quite a few reasons for that. There were a lot of times that I opened my blog, started a new post, stared at the screen for ten or twenty minutes, and then closed the page. I felt like I had so much to say, but no way to say it. 

Today, Facebook reminded me that one year ago, I graduated from UT with a BA in Government. It was rainy. A little cold but nothing crazy. My family was in town. People I once worked with attended. Some of my former teachers came to the ceremony. I felt good. I knew I would be working in DFW as a teacher. 

A year later, I am sitting in my room redesigning my lessons for the week because my students did not do so well on an assessment from before Thanksgiving. I have been in a bit of a panic because my students have been doing quite well up to this point. Their scores on assessments have been above district averages. Things have been pretty good. This is different for experience for me.

I know that my teaching has been evolving a lot in this first year, but it certainly makes me question what about those two weeks changed that impacted my students' success? That question has been stressing me out immensely since Monday. I feel like I have been running around like a headless chicken trying to figure out how I am going to alter my instruction to ensure that we can recover those missed topics while also moving forward with a curriculum that leaves us no time to stop and catch our breaths.

On top of this challenge, it feels like I am receiving rapid fire directives insisting that I change a seemingly endless number of things about my teaching. Teachers have certainly told me about this part of the teaching experience for quite some time. It seems like none of those conversations could really prepare for the living it though. I am sure that one day, I will be able to roll with the punches a little easier. For now though, I am just going to work to keep my head above water and not get lost in the sea of my own confusion and doubt.

In response, I have started meditating. I am keeping track of my nutrition again. The only thing I am truly lacking is getting back to the gym. I don't think I'm ready to jump back into that routine quite yet, but I am hopeful. November was a big ball of tension and stress. I will not, for the sake of my sanity and well-being, allow December to follow suit. This will be a month of success. For myself. For my students. For the people I care about.

Now I know that this post has been a lot longer than normal, but to be fair, I did not post at all in November. I just want to take a little time to thank all of the people that have been helping my through this crazy month. I was actually going to do an entire Thanksgiving "thank you" post, but it seemed pretty cheesy so I decided not to. In all seriousness though. I really appreciate the support. Whether it was just randomly reaching out to see how things have been or wishing my happy birthday, I really enjoyed hearing from you.

My goal for the rest of 2017 is positivity. Some days will be harder than others. Some days will feel like the weight of world is pressing down on my shoulders. But that's okay because I am strong and I have so much support. Thank you all so much! Let's go out and make December truly amazing.

Red Ribbon Week

At this point, I can't tell if dress up days are intended more for the students or for the teachers.

I have absolutely enjoyed all of the themes that come along with Red Ribbon Week. We had days such as western day and pink day. Part of my enjoyment came from being able to wear jeans. There's just something about not being able to wear jeans any other day that really makes weeks like this special. My jeans are not especially unique or comfortable. In fact, I have even come to be quite settled into my slacks (or whatever the pants are called that you wear to work). I still just really enjoyed the t-shirt and jeans look this week.

My favorite theme was Disney Day. I decided to wear an Ariel shirt because that is one of my favorite Disney movies (and it was one of the few Disney shirts available at Target the night before). To some of my students, this decision was a bit perplexing. Why would a man wear a princess shirt? I eavesdropped on a number of their conversations about the merits of the shirt and whether I should or should not be wearing. My favorite line from one of my students was “he’s a grown man, he bought it and he can wear what he wants.” The overall decision from my students was that it was a nice shirt and it was “okay” that I wore it.

I have certainly found that my students are very concerned with the way I dress. With Halloween approaching, there has been much discussion about costumes. I have heard ideas ranging from Pennywise, the clown from It (why any of my students have seen this movie is beyond me), to various teachers. One of my students even went so far as to declare that he would be dressing up as me for Halloween, to which one of his peers responded with "that's impossible, Mr. Smith dresses like a Ken doll". It took quite a bit of self-control to not burst into laughter at this conversation. This completely dispelled any ideas I had about students not paying attention to the way we dress and present ourselves.

Later in the week, students began reciting their favorite lines from each of their teachers. The other fifth grade teachers and I were laughing so hard at our students nearly perfect renditions of the way we spoke in our classrooms. It also reminded me of just how perceptive students are. They see way more than I realized and certainly reminded me of the importance of my positive interactions with every student.

My students also worked on (and mostly completed) a project about animal adaptations this week. It is quite possible that I learned more about changes I need to make for projects in the future than my students did about adaptions. I certainly need to refine the process of forming groups, the assignment of roles within groups, and limiting the range of topics. By leaving the groups based on tables, the level of conflict was pretty high across classes. I think this also indicates that I will need to work on developing my students’ skillset as it relates to working in groups. I gave groups tasks, but did not tell them how to complete the tasks or who should complete them. This often left one or two students sitting around and eventually pushed out of the project. I also spent far too much time allowing students to think about their choice of animal when we could have cut down on that time with a shortlist of preselected organisms form which my students could choose from.

I have learned a lot in this short time teaching, but I know I still have many skills to develop. I have been making a conscious effort to not raise my voice as often and this has required me to further refine the procedures I have in place (especially classroom entry). It has certainly required some lost content time, but I am confident that the practiced procedures will save time (and energy) in the future.

In Fort Worth, teachers do not initially have Good Friday off in the spring. In order to get this day off, we have to attend trainings either in the summer or at some point during the year. I went to a training this Saturday to get all the hours I needed to get that Friday off. I anticipated walking away with some new ideas to try out in the classroom but ended up leaving with a treasure chest. I met another fifth-grade teacher who shared with me all of his resources from the past few years that he has taught fifth grade. I am incredibly excited to explore and utilize these resources and I feel so lucky that I decided to attend this training!

This school year is truly flying by and it seems like Christmas and the New Year will be upon us soon. Thank you all for your support these past few weeks. It means a lot to hear from you! Whether they're words of encouragement, advice or strategies, questions, or just saying hello because we haven't spoke in a while, I truly enjoy hearing from you. It has certainly been quite the journey and I am looking forward to continuing to share my experiences!

Results

The first six weeks is complete, but there is literally no time to breathe!

I find myself in an odd part of the year. There is something sitting at the back of my mind that I can never seem to reach. Maybe this is just my way of going through that cycle of teaching that everyone keeps telling me about. I must be starting to make the switch from anticipation to survival. I can't tell and no one else has mentioned anything so who can know for sure.

My students did take their first major assessment with me this year and you will have to excuse me while I brag on them for a little bit. I am incredibly proud of their achievements and how much they have learned in this short time. I have a passing rate over 85% with over 20% of my students receiving perfect scores. I know this is pretty good but I certainly want to continue pushing them and pushing myself to do better. We will be working to get to 100% passing and even more getting perfect scores.

Despite these results, I feel as though I am running in circles. It feels like my to-do list never shortens. By the time I get a few items knocked off, there are just as many or more items to replace them. I literally have no idea how teacher's are expected to do so many things in day, week, semester, or year. Despite only being my students' science teacher, I must also teach them how to be polite and respectful of the world around them, and teach them how to track data and set goals, and take them on field trips, and grade their work, and do fire drills/assemblies, and attend meetings in the middle of the day, and (this hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure it will) attend trainings. And these are just the things I have to do with my students but does not include all of the behind the scenes work I have to get done. I do not yet feel overwhelmed, but I can certainly see how any slip up on my part could put me on a slippery slope into chaos and confusion.

It is going to be a great year. I am going to make sure that it is. It is going to be hard, but it needs to happen. This experience is also broadening my appreciation for all of the amazing teachers I have ever had. I knew that teaching was not easy. I knew that teachers had to balance a lot of things. I knew that students (myself included) did not always (read rarely) made things easier. Despite knowing all of those things beforehand, living them is completely different. I have not had the come home and cry kind of day yet, but I know I will. I have not started to question my life choices, and I am hoping to avoid that. I do occasionally find myself in shock that I am a real teacher in a real school with real students. I do occasionally question my ability to be the best (or at least great) for my students.

Things have been moving. I will keep moving with them, just hopefully not in circles.

One Month

It feels so crazy that I have already been in the classroom for a month.

Four weeks in and I am not yet feeling overwhelmed. I know that there are things that I am not the most efficient or effective at, but I also know that I am not completely failing my kids. I feel comfortable and confident that things will get better.

I have not felt the need to write because my grad school classes have me submitting reflections every week. Literally every week. I 1000% understand the need for reflection but this frequency makes it hard to breathe sometimes. There are some weekends that I just want to turn my brain off and not think about the week that just happened. I won't complain too much though cuz at least it's only reflections and not crazy long assignments.

I am starting to feel more at ease in Fort Worth. I can drive to more and more places without using my GPS. I know where the nearest mall is, the nearest three movies theaters, and the nearest HEB (20 miles away in a Fort Worth suburb called Burleson). I am also starting to get used to the crazy driving here. Everyone is going 10mph above the posted speed limit, which is still not as bad as in Houston but certainly better than Austin's stop and go traffic everywhere. Everything feels really far away still and people have no problem driving 30+ miles for simple trips. I hate driving so this is still something I need to get used to.

Recently, I was mentioned in a tweet from the head of elementary schools of FWISD that was retweeted by the FWISD superintendent. I was weirdly proud of myself because it was rather unexpected. One of the pre-k teachers at my school approached me and asked if it would be okay for her to bring up her students and let them see the science lab for a little bit. I thought it was a great idea and she brought them not too long after that. My fifth grade students became model scientist, telling the younger students how to hold materials, how to stay safe, and what it is like being in fifth grade. The other teacher and I were incredibly impressed at how well everything went and took some pictures. A few days later and the pictures were on Twitter. I really hope that this is a sign that the rest of the school year is going to be amazing.

Working out has gotten quite a bit more difficult to do. Despite my gym being so much closer than it was in Austin (and there being gym equipment in the office at my apartments), I have not made it to the gym since before the first week of school. Luckily, staying on my feet all day, walking students all over the school, and staying on top of my eating habits have kept me feeling energized and not allowed my body to change too much. I really want to find some workouts I can do in my apartment and eliminate any excuses for not working out. If you have any ideas or recommendations, please send them my way!

Even though the honeymoon phase with my students is clearly over and deadlines are rolling around constantly, I am still riding the wave of positivity from the start of the year. I want to keep this up for as long as possible because I have heard all about Quitstober and the struggle that is November. I know that I won't give up or quit on my students, but I know that things will get hard(er). Just gotta keep moving forward and keep pushing myself and my students!

First Week

Y'all! I survived my first week! And it was amazing!!!

So much of the anxiety I felt in the week before I started the first week seems to have melted away. It feels amazing to be in front of students everyday. I love getting to know my students a little more everyday. The students they were are day one are certainly not the students they are today. The journey we embark on this year is going to be so much fun. There will certainly be struggling and challenging moments, for me and for them, but we will overcome and be better for it in the end.

I have also seen so many of my friends and peers start their teaching recently too. The impact that we will have on students collectively is so refreshing and encouraging. I know that we are all going to do our best for our students. We are all going to have great stories to laugh at, stories that bring tears of sadness and frustration, and stories that cause me to well up with pride for them and their students.

This excitement does not mean that there have not been challenges. Students all come with unique experiences that we have to fit into their academic success, not matter how difficult that is. I did not even "finish" setting up my classroom until last Friday, but I am constantly finding ways to make things better. Teaching is certainly a never ending cycle of try something, review it, improve it, and try again. Plus I forget or do not think about things all the time, so that makes the process move a little slower too.

Lesson planning has certainly been the most pressing hurdle so far. I am incredibly grateful that my plans are due on Friday because who knows how much time I would spend on them over the weekend. I feel compelled to work efficiently with this deadline and it keeps me ahead of "the day before" game. Observation season is the part of the year that I am most excited for. I can't wait for people to come into my classroom, point out the amazing things going on, help me figure out the things that could be better, and enjoy the space I have created in my classes.

The self-care portion of this work is certainly coming with mixed results. I really enjoyed this past weekend watching movies and relaxing. I cleaned my place up a bit. Cooked some great food for lunch and breakfast during the week. I got quite a bit of grading done as well. I do really need to get back into working out in some capacity. Even if it's just for thirty minutes a day instead of an hour. I just need the activity. I just get tired from the day and it's challenging to get back into it when I've been out of the habit for so long. It will happen though. I just have to make it happen.

I am feeling legitimately excited for this year. I love my school. I love my kids. I love my team. I don't mean to rub it in, but I am feeling great! Let's keep up these good vibes.

Realities

My first day of school is tomorrow and there is so much that is starting to sink in for me.

This is pretty exciting. In less than twelve hours I will be standing in the doorway to my classroom greeting students for the first of 180+ times this year. The journey that is getting to know 50+ fifth graders will begin promptly at 7:40am. I am wildly excited and nervous mixed into one.

It was incredible seeing my classroom come together day after day last week. It certainly added a bit of perspective to every classroom I ever entered form Kindergarten to 12th grade. Every desk had to be in just the right place. Posters had to be hung at the perfect height. Decorations had to be the right blend of fun, education, me, and my students (how I did that without knowing them is still a mystery). Getting a classroom ready is tiring, but absolutely essential as in some ways it is the second home for my students and I.

My first week of lesson plans came together quite smoothly. Procedures. Procedures. Procedures. I hope that I have thought of everything to make my class run efficiently. I have entrances, exits, homework pick up and turn in, warm-ups, exit tickets, supplies, jobs, word walls, restroom, and nurse procedures all worked out and ready to be taught. If there is anything that all my mentors have taught, it is that students will quickly make up rules and procedures should I neglect to do so. So I have planned for as much as I could think of. I know I didn't catch everything, but I am confident things will still go well.

This is an amazing feeling. I am thrilled to get started tomorrow and I can't wait to share how my first few days go. Even with all of this excitement, there was also something that hit me pretty heavily last week as I finalized my room set up. I won't get to call my grandma and tell her how my first day went. That reality hit me and I had to sit down for a bit. It has been two years and there are still so many times where I want to call or text her to check in. It hit me pretty hard but I know that she would be proud of me. So I keep striving to do my best. I do my best for her, and my mom, and my siblings, and my nephew, and my aunt and uncle, and my cousins, and all the people who ever believed in me and told me I would be great. I will continue to learn and grow and make you all proud.

In the meantime, it's getting late and I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow. I'll be sure to share how these first few days go! 

The Big Switch

I am no longer living in the dorms at SMU. I am so grateful to be able to afford a place of my own after all this time.

It was truly beneficial to be living at SMU for the duration of my summer training. My housing was paid for. My food was paid for. The internet was free. I did not have to worry about electricity or water bills. Laundry was free. Transportation was provided. That is not to say these arrangements were perfect. I slept on a twin mattress again. The water would be lukewarm when large (cheer) camps were also staying on campus. The food was essentially the same all summer. There were random "scheduled" power outages occurring regularly throughout the summer.

But it was free. And the training was pretty great as well. I spent seven weeks absorbing as much knowledge as possible. I feel confident that I leave Institute as a better leader, teacher, and person. I may not be able to tell you each of the (seven) TFA core values from memory, but I can tell you that each of them has created a lasting impact on the way I approach the world from this world forward.

During Institute, it was made clear that during some sessions, I was going to be uncomfortable and that was okay. When you are grappling with your identity, the multiple parts of your identity, and reconfiguring how it fits in a classroom and, by extension, in the world, you are going to be uncomfortable. Analyzing my privilege and how it will play a large part in how I relate to the people around me moving forward is not easy. Talking to others about their identity, listening to others make mistakes, choosing to be vulnerable and brave are not simple tasks. In spite of this difficulty, I was still pushed to tackle this work in the solitude of my mind and with the people in sessions around me.

From that experience, I jumped straight into Fort Worth's New Teacher Academy. The reality of the work I will be doing snapped me back into reality. The reality of others ideas of the world we live in reminded me that my work with my identity if a privilege. In the midst of a problematic session listening to problematic statements and ideas, I had to remind myself of my privilege and ground myself in humility.

I am a first year teacher. I am 22 years old. I do not have all the answers. I have not even been asked all the questions. This does not mean that I do not have beliefs based in facts that I stand beside proudly and vehemently. It just means that I must always take the time to stop and listen to what the people around me have to say.

There was a phrase that stood out to me this summer: "listen to understand, not to respond." Going into teaching, I have set a goal for myself to remind every student that I come into contact with that their thoughts are valuable. Their ideas and dreams have value and that I here to provide them with some of the tools they will need to navigate the world in their own unique way. This is not always going to be easy, but I believe it is important and I will work on it continuously.

Today I entered my classroom for the first time. It was overwhelming. If I didn't understand the work my teachers put into preparing the classroom every year before, I certainly do now. I have so much to do and the hardest part is not knowing where to start. I am hoping that hanging up the first poster and moving the first desk is the hardest part, so I'll be sure to get started on that soon. Again, if you have any advice for a fifth grade science teacher, let me know!