November

I don't know about the rest of the world, but November was a one heck of a month for me.

You would think that with my birthday, Thanksgiving, a week off, and all of the other fun little things that usually happen in November, that it would have been a great month. Ultimately, that was not how I felt most of the time. Looking at the teacher's feelings throughout the year, November for me was that bottom part. I slipped into that "disillusionment" phase without even realizing it.

I know that it's been quite some time since I posted last. There are quite a few reasons for that. There were a lot of times that I opened my blog, started a new post, stared at the screen for ten or twenty minutes, and then closed the page. I felt like I had so much to say, but no way to say it. 

Today, Facebook reminded me that one year ago, I graduated from UT with a BA in Government. It was rainy. A little cold but nothing crazy. My family was in town. People I once worked with attended. Some of my former teachers came to the ceremony. I felt good. I knew I would be working in DFW as a teacher. 

A year later, I am sitting in my room redesigning my lessons for the week because my students did not do so well on an assessment from before Thanksgiving. I have been in a bit of a panic because my students have been doing quite well up to this point. Their scores on assessments have been above district averages. Things have been pretty good. This is different for experience for me.

I know that my teaching has been evolving a lot in this first year, but it certainly makes me question what about those two weeks changed that impacted my students' success? That question has been stressing me out immensely since Monday. I feel like I have been running around like a headless chicken trying to figure out how I am going to alter my instruction to ensure that we can recover those missed topics while also moving forward with a curriculum that leaves us no time to stop and catch our breaths.

On top of this challenge, it feels like I am receiving rapid fire directives insisting that I change a seemingly endless number of things about my teaching. Teachers have certainly told me about this part of the teaching experience for quite some time. It seems like none of those conversations could really prepare for the living it though. I am sure that one day, I will be able to roll with the punches a little easier. For now though, I am just going to work to keep my head above water and not get lost in the sea of my own confusion and doubt.

In response, I have started meditating. I am keeping track of my nutrition again. The only thing I am truly lacking is getting back to the gym. I don't think I'm ready to jump back into that routine quite yet, but I am hopeful. November was a big ball of tension and stress. I will not, for the sake of my sanity and well-being, allow December to follow suit. This will be a month of success. For myself. For my students. For the people I care about.

Now I know that this post has been a lot longer than normal, but to be fair, I did not post at all in November. I just want to take a little time to thank all of the people that have been helping my through this crazy month. I was actually going to do an entire Thanksgiving "thank you" post, but it seemed pretty cheesy so I decided not to. In all seriousness though. I really appreciate the support. Whether it was just randomly reaching out to see how things have been or wishing my happy birthday, I really enjoyed hearing from you.

My goal for the rest of 2017 is positivity. Some days will be harder than others. Some days will feel like the weight of world is pressing down on my shoulders. But that's okay because I am strong and I have so much support. Thank you all so much! Let's go out and make December truly amazing.

Red Ribbon Week

At this point, I can't tell if dress up days are intended more for the students or for the teachers.

I have absolutely enjoyed all of the themes that come along with Red Ribbon Week. We had days such as western day and pink day. Part of my enjoyment came from being able to wear jeans. There's just something about not being able to wear jeans any other day that really makes weeks like this special. My jeans are not especially unique or comfortable. In fact, I have even come to be quite settled into my slacks (or whatever the pants are called that you wear to work). I still just really enjoyed the t-shirt and jeans look this week.

My favorite theme was Disney Day. I decided to wear an Ariel shirt because that is one of my favorite Disney movies (and it was one of the few Disney shirts available at Target the night before). To some of my students, this decision was a bit perplexing. Why would a man wear a princess shirt? I eavesdropped on a number of their conversations about the merits of the shirt and whether I should or should not be wearing. My favorite line from one of my students was “he’s a grown man, he bought it and he can wear what he wants.” The overall decision from my students was that it was a nice shirt and it was “okay” that I wore it.

I have certainly found that my students are very concerned with the way I dress. With Halloween approaching, there has been much discussion about costumes. I have heard ideas ranging from Pennywise, the clown from It (why any of my students have seen this movie is beyond me), to various teachers. One of my students even went so far as to declare that he would be dressing up as me for Halloween, to which one of his peers responded with "that's impossible, Mr. Smith dresses like a Ken doll". It took quite a bit of self-control to not burst into laughter at this conversation. This completely dispelled any ideas I had about students not paying attention to the way we dress and present ourselves.

Later in the week, students began reciting their favorite lines from each of their teachers. The other fifth grade teachers and I were laughing so hard at our students nearly perfect renditions of the way we spoke in our classrooms. It also reminded me of just how perceptive students are. They see way more than I realized and certainly reminded me of the importance of my positive interactions with every student.

My students also worked on (and mostly completed) a project about animal adaptations this week. It is quite possible that I learned more about changes I need to make for projects in the future than my students did about adaptions. I certainly need to refine the process of forming groups, the assignment of roles within groups, and limiting the range of topics. By leaving the groups based on tables, the level of conflict was pretty high across classes. I think this also indicates that I will need to work on developing my students’ skillset as it relates to working in groups. I gave groups tasks, but did not tell them how to complete the tasks or who should complete them. This often left one or two students sitting around and eventually pushed out of the project. I also spent far too much time allowing students to think about their choice of animal when we could have cut down on that time with a shortlist of preselected organisms form which my students could choose from.

I have learned a lot in this short time teaching, but I know I still have many skills to develop. I have been making a conscious effort to not raise my voice as often and this has required me to further refine the procedures I have in place (especially classroom entry). It has certainly required some lost content time, but I am confident that the practiced procedures will save time (and energy) in the future.

In Fort Worth, teachers do not initially have Good Friday off in the spring. In order to get this day off, we have to attend trainings either in the summer or at some point during the year. I went to a training this Saturday to get all the hours I needed to get that Friday off. I anticipated walking away with some new ideas to try out in the classroom but ended up leaving with a treasure chest. I met another fifth-grade teacher who shared with me all of his resources from the past few years that he has taught fifth grade. I am incredibly excited to explore and utilize these resources and I feel so lucky that I decided to attend this training!

This school year is truly flying by and it seems like Christmas and the New Year will be upon us soon. Thank you all for your support these past few weeks. It means a lot to hear from you! Whether they're words of encouragement, advice or strategies, questions, or just saying hello because we haven't spoke in a while, I truly enjoy hearing from you. It has certainly been quite the journey and I am looking forward to continuing to share my experiences!

Results

The first six weeks is complete, but there is literally no time to breathe!

I find myself in an odd part of the year. There is something sitting at the back of my mind that I can never seem to reach. Maybe this is just my way of going through that cycle of teaching that everyone keeps telling me about. I must be starting to make the switch from anticipation to survival. I can't tell and no one else has mentioned anything so who can know for sure.

My students did take their first major assessment with me this year and you will have to excuse me while I brag on them for a little bit. I am incredibly proud of their achievements and how much they have learned in this short time. I have a passing rate over 85% with over 20% of my students receiving perfect scores. I know this is pretty good but I certainly want to continue pushing them and pushing myself to do better. We will be working to get to 100% passing and even more getting perfect scores.

Despite these results, I feel as though I am running in circles. It feels like my to-do list never shortens. By the time I get a few items knocked off, there are just as many or more items to replace them. I literally have no idea how teacher's are expected to do so many things in day, week, semester, or year. Despite only being my students' science teacher, I must also teach them how to be polite and respectful of the world around them, and teach them how to track data and set goals, and take them on field trips, and grade their work, and do fire drills/assemblies, and attend meetings in the middle of the day, and (this hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure it will) attend trainings. And these are just the things I have to do with my students but does not include all of the behind the scenes work I have to get done. I do not yet feel overwhelmed, but I can certainly see how any slip up on my part could put me on a slippery slope into chaos and confusion.

It is going to be a great year. I am going to make sure that it is. It is going to be hard, but it needs to happen. This experience is also broadening my appreciation for all of the amazing teachers I have ever had. I knew that teaching was not easy. I knew that teachers had to balance a lot of things. I knew that students (myself included) did not always (read rarely) made things easier. Despite knowing all of those things beforehand, living them is completely different. I have not had the come home and cry kind of day yet, but I know I will. I have not started to question my life choices, and I am hoping to avoid that. I do occasionally find myself in shock that I am a real teacher in a real school with real students. I do occasionally question my ability to be the best (or at least great) for my students.

Things have been moving. I will keep moving with them, just hopefully not in circles.

One Month

It feels so crazy that I have already been in the classroom for a month.

Four weeks in and I am not yet feeling overwhelmed. I know that there are things that I am not the most efficient or effective at, but I also know that I am not completely failing my kids. I feel comfortable and confident that things will get better.

I have not felt the need to write because my grad school classes have me submitting reflections every week. Literally every week. I 1000% understand the need for reflection but this frequency makes it hard to breathe sometimes. There are some weekends that I just want to turn my brain off and not think about the week that just happened. I won't complain too much though cuz at least it's only reflections and not crazy long assignments.

I am starting to feel more at ease in Fort Worth. I can drive to more and more places without using my GPS. I know where the nearest mall is, the nearest three movies theaters, and the nearest HEB (20 miles away in a Fort Worth suburb called Burleson). I am also starting to get used to the crazy driving here. Everyone is going 10mph above the posted speed limit, which is still not as bad as in Houston but certainly better than Austin's stop and go traffic everywhere. Everything feels really far away still and people have no problem driving 30+ miles for simple trips. I hate driving so this is still something I need to get used to.

Recently, I was mentioned in a tweet from the head of elementary schools of FWISD that was retweeted by the FWISD superintendent. I was weirdly proud of myself because it was rather unexpected. One of the pre-k teachers at my school approached me and asked if it would be okay for her to bring up her students and let them see the science lab for a little bit. I thought it was a great idea and she brought them not too long after that. My fifth grade students became model scientist, telling the younger students how to hold materials, how to stay safe, and what it is like being in fifth grade. The other teacher and I were incredibly impressed at how well everything went and took some pictures. A few days later and the pictures were on Twitter. I really hope that this is a sign that the rest of the school year is going to be amazing.

Working out has gotten quite a bit more difficult to do. Despite my gym being so much closer than it was in Austin (and there being gym equipment in the office at my apartments), I have not made it to the gym since before the first week of school. Luckily, staying on my feet all day, walking students all over the school, and staying on top of my eating habits have kept me feeling energized and not allowed my body to change too much. I really want to find some workouts I can do in my apartment and eliminate any excuses for not working out. If you have any ideas or recommendations, please send them my way!

Even though the honeymoon phase with my students is clearly over and deadlines are rolling around constantly, I am still riding the wave of positivity from the start of the year. I want to keep this up for as long as possible because I have heard all about Quitstober and the struggle that is November. I know that I won't give up or quit on my students, but I know that things will get hard(er). Just gotta keep moving forward and keep pushing myself and my students!

First Week

Y'all! I survived my first week! And it was amazing!!!

So much of the anxiety I felt in the week before I started the first week seems to have melted away. It feels amazing to be in front of students everyday. I love getting to know my students a little more everyday. The students they were are day one are certainly not the students they are today. The journey we embark on this year is going to be so much fun. There will certainly be struggling and challenging moments, for me and for them, but we will overcome and be better for it in the end.

I have also seen so many of my friends and peers start their teaching recently too. The impact that we will have on students collectively is so refreshing and encouraging. I know that we are all going to do our best for our students. We are all going to have great stories to laugh at, stories that bring tears of sadness and frustration, and stories that cause me to well up with pride for them and their students.

This excitement does not mean that there have not been challenges. Students all come with unique experiences that we have to fit into their academic success, not matter how difficult that is. I did not even "finish" setting up my classroom until last Friday, but I am constantly finding ways to make things better. Teaching is certainly a never ending cycle of try something, review it, improve it, and try again. Plus I forget or do not think about things all the time, so that makes the process move a little slower too.

Lesson planning has certainly been the most pressing hurdle so far. I am incredibly grateful that my plans are due on Friday because who knows how much time I would spend on them over the weekend. I feel compelled to work efficiently with this deadline and it keeps me ahead of "the day before" game. Observation season is the part of the year that I am most excited for. I can't wait for people to come into my classroom, point out the amazing things going on, help me figure out the things that could be better, and enjoy the space I have created in my classes.

The self-care portion of this work is certainly coming with mixed results. I really enjoyed this past weekend watching movies and relaxing. I cleaned my place up a bit. Cooked some great food for lunch and breakfast during the week. I got quite a bit of grading done as well. I do really need to get back into working out in some capacity. Even if it's just for thirty minutes a day instead of an hour. I just need the activity. I just get tired from the day and it's challenging to get back into it when I've been out of the habit for so long. It will happen though. I just have to make it happen.

I am feeling legitimately excited for this year. I love my school. I love my kids. I love my team. I don't mean to rub it in, but I am feeling great! Let's keep up these good vibes.

Realities

My first day of school is tomorrow and there is so much that is starting to sink in for me.

This is pretty exciting. In less than twelve hours I will be standing in the doorway to my classroom greeting students for the first of 180+ times this year. The journey that is getting to know 50+ fifth graders will begin promptly at 7:40am. I am wildly excited and nervous mixed into one.

It was incredible seeing my classroom come together day after day last week. It certainly added a bit of perspective to every classroom I ever entered form Kindergarten to 12th grade. Every desk had to be in just the right place. Posters had to be hung at the perfect height. Decorations had to be the right blend of fun, education, me, and my students (how I did that without knowing them is still a mystery). Getting a classroom ready is tiring, but absolutely essential as in some ways it is the second home for my students and I.

My first week of lesson plans came together quite smoothly. Procedures. Procedures. Procedures. I hope that I have thought of everything to make my class run efficiently. I have entrances, exits, homework pick up and turn in, warm-ups, exit tickets, supplies, jobs, word walls, restroom, and nurse procedures all worked out and ready to be taught. If there is anything that all my mentors have taught, it is that students will quickly make up rules and procedures should I neglect to do so. So I have planned for as much as I could think of. I know I didn't catch everything, but I am confident things will still go well.

This is an amazing feeling. I am thrilled to get started tomorrow and I can't wait to share how my first few days go. Even with all of this excitement, there was also something that hit me pretty heavily last week as I finalized my room set up. I won't get to call my grandma and tell her how my first day went. That reality hit me and I had to sit down for a bit. It has been two years and there are still so many times where I want to call or text her to check in. It hit me pretty hard but I know that she would be proud of me. So I keep striving to do my best. I do my best for her, and my mom, and my siblings, and my nephew, and my aunt and uncle, and my cousins, and all the people who ever believed in me and told me I would be great. I will continue to learn and grow and make you all proud.

In the meantime, it's getting late and I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow. I'll be sure to share how these first few days go! 

The Big Switch

I am no longer living in the dorms at SMU. I am so grateful to be able to afford a place of my own after all this time.

It was truly beneficial to be living at SMU for the duration of my summer training. My housing was paid for. My food was paid for. The internet was free. I did not have to worry about electricity or water bills. Laundry was free. Transportation was provided. That is not to say these arrangements were perfect. I slept on a twin mattress again. The water would be lukewarm when large (cheer) camps were also staying on campus. The food was essentially the same all summer. There were random "scheduled" power outages occurring regularly throughout the summer.

But it was free. And the training was pretty great as well. I spent seven weeks absorbing as much knowledge as possible. I feel confident that I leave Institute as a better leader, teacher, and person. I may not be able to tell you each of the (seven) TFA core values from memory, but I can tell you that each of them has created a lasting impact on the way I approach the world from this world forward.

During Institute, it was made clear that during some sessions, I was going to be uncomfortable and that was okay. When you are grappling with your identity, the multiple parts of your identity, and reconfiguring how it fits in a classroom and, by extension, in the world, you are going to be uncomfortable. Analyzing my privilege and how it will play a large part in how I relate to the people around me moving forward is not easy. Talking to others about their identity, listening to others make mistakes, choosing to be vulnerable and brave are not simple tasks. In spite of this difficulty, I was still pushed to tackle this work in the solitude of my mind and with the people in sessions around me.

From that experience, I jumped straight into Fort Worth's New Teacher Academy. The reality of the work I will be doing snapped me back into reality. The reality of others ideas of the world we live in reminded me that my work with my identity if a privilege. In the midst of a problematic session listening to problematic statements and ideas, I had to remind myself of my privilege and ground myself in humility.

I am a first year teacher. I am 22 years old. I do not have all the answers. I have not even been asked all the questions. This does not mean that I do not have beliefs based in facts that I stand beside proudly and vehemently. It just means that I must always take the time to stop and listen to what the people around me have to say.

There was a phrase that stood out to me this summer: "listen to understand, not to respond." Going into teaching, I have set a goal for myself to remind every student that I come into contact with that their thoughts are valuable. Their ideas and dreams have value and that I here to provide them with some of the tools they will need to navigate the world in their own unique way. This is not always going to be easy, but I believe it is important and I will work on it continuously.

Today I entered my classroom for the first time. It was overwhelming. If I didn't understand the work my teachers put into preparing the classroom every year before, I certainly do now. I have so much to do and the hardest part is not knowing where to start. I am hoping that hanging up the first poster and moving the first desk is the hardest part, so I'll be sure to get started on that soon. Again, if you have any advice for a fifth grade science teacher, let me know!

Transitioning

It has been just under two weeks since I wrote last.

To be honest, I have started a number of posts since then. The time to finish a post has been pretty limited recently for a number of reasons. The intensity of Institute increased the closer to the end I got and the number of responsibilities outside of Institute grew as well. I found myself spending my off time finding an apartment, and insurance, and electricity, and internet, and furniture, and supplies for my first year. The time for reflection has been minimal at best.

I need to make writing a priority. I need to decompress from the endless to-do list that will only continue to flood my mind as the school year truly begins. I did buy an agenda today so I'm hopeful that this tool will only make the year easier to navigate and my time easier to manage. I am still lacking a note-taking journal for training, planning, meetings, and all the other things I will need to write down, but I have one in mind.

In the past two weeks I have experienced quite a few things. Some of them have been great and others, not so much. My coach got me to try coffee one day before a lesson. It was intense. Corps members were asking how I had become so energetic. I enjoyed the experience, but when I found myself bouncing in place at 7pm that night, I decided coffee was just not for me. I will stick to my lightly caffeinated teas or drink my coffees decaf from now on.

Adult life is quickly catching up with me and I find myself less than enthused as some of its components. Literally everything I purchase ever needs insurance. Insurance is expensive. Buying things is not fun. Bills are cool. Except not really. Shopping for furniture for an entire apartment is completely overwhelming. Also, everything cost money. Money does not come easy. And do not even get me started on taxes...

Institute is coming to an end very quickly. There is less than 24 hours left and my feelings could not be anymore mixed. On the one hand, this was all very stressful and intense. On the other hand, I am about to dive head first into a full school year where I responsible for the learning of children. I would be lying if I said that I am not still nervous about this journey I am embarking on. Also, add an extra layer of being a Master's degree student to the mix and suddenly I feel like a deer in headlights. I specifically remember telling myself that I would not be getting a Master's Degree for a few years. Well life laughed boldly at my statement and here I am.

The due dates are starting to build up. The intensity is real but I am committed to staying proactive. I want to put off going into survival mode for as long as possible. I want to stay as far ahead for as long as I possibly can. If you have any suggestions, whether you have worked as a teacher or not, please let me know! I want all the help I can get.

I will be returning to Austin this weekend for a brief visit and to pick up the remainder of my belongings that did not make it to Dallas the first time. I would also love any suggestions for furniture procurement. Is it best to finance or buy outright? Any special location you recommend? Any brand? Texture? Color? Item? I have a running list but I know it is incomplete. If there is anything you see that is missing, please let me know so I'm not struggling to survive in my apartment because I forgot something crazy obvious like toilet paper or a washer.

Couch (sleeper, but not futon). TV stand (bedroom and living room). Bed frame. Mattress. Desk. Bookcase. Dresser. Dining table. Dining chairs. Patio table. Patio chairs. Loveseat/chair. Computer chair. Washer. Dyer.

Toilet paper. Paper towels. Plates. Bowls. Cups. Silverware. Cookware. Cooking utensils. Laundry detergent. Dish detergent. Printer. Toaster. Lamp. Fan.

I am also unsure of the things I will need for my classroom. I am a fifth grade science teacher. Any ideas that you have are welcome and appreciated. I will be reviewing my TEKS soon to see what topics I'll be teaching. There are also non-content related items that I am sure are important for any classroom. So please let me know what pops into your mind when you hear the phrase "classroom essentials". I would really love the help!!!

I am going to find a day to just sit down and not do anything. It will feel amazing. I will be proud of myself!

I Miss You

Today, we talked about what we miss.

It is the middle of week five. There are two a half weeks left of summer training. So much is happening. Summer school is officially halfway over. Emotions are running high. Putting words to those feelings are important. That is what we did today. My coach asked us a series of questions and I am taking the time to add more to my response. I want to think more about the things that I miss.


What do you miss? What is causing you pain?

I miss working out. I have spent five days a week in the gym since January. I did skip Spring Break and there were a few other days I missed, but overall it was five days a week. I miss the routine. I miss the pride I felt in this work I put into my body. I miss the confidence that I felt from a changing body. I miss the excitement of stepping onto a scale and feeling joy at the numbers I saw (and disappointment sometimes too). I started the year at around 175lbs. I came to Dallas at 160lbs. When I went home for the Fourth of July, I stepped on the scale a few times and hit around 155lbs. I am terrified to return home at the end of July and step on the scale again.

Who do you miss?

I miss my nephew. Seeing him everyday always brought me incredible amounts of joy. I was able to see him learn and grow. I got to see him laugh and smile everyday. I got to see him bump his head when he bounced too hard or ran too fast. I got to see him get back up and keep running. Going back home for the 4th of July really made me realize how much I am going to miss seeing him everyday. When I left Austin to come to Institute in Dallas, Kyree was able to jump in one spot. Not even one month later, I walk inside and he is running towards me and jumps the last few steps. It was incredible to see how much he had grown and learned, but it also reminded me of all the small moment I would miss living away from home. Living in Fort Worth will certainly have its pros and cons, but this is without a doubt one of the most painful cons.

What is an institution you miss?

I miss my fraternity. I never realized how safe I felt in that space until I was no longer an active part of it. I miss seeing my brother. I miss the conversations we had and the times we spent together. My time in the fraternity was amazing and I would never change it. I am so happy that two of my brothers work in DFW. With them here with me, I know that safe space will never be too far.

I really enjoyed taking the time to put words to the things that I may not have realized I was feeling the entire time. I have certainly found myself caught up in the constant work that is being a teacher. Getting lesson plans ready, making copies, creating PowerPoints, entering grades, attending meetings, and completing the dozens of other responsibilities of a teacher can get overwhelming if you do not take the time to stop and breathe. I am glad my coach got me to sit and reflect. I will get a lot of things done this weekend. I will also stop to take care of myself and allow myself to breathe for a while.

Signing A Lease

Four day weekends are great.

This weekend was refreshing. Taking the time to put distance between myself and work was certainly welcome after a hectic first week. I am proud to have made it through the first days of summer school. There were certainly some challenges, some I was prepared for and others not so much. This week is a short one. Two teaching days and a training day on Friday. A three day week. I am excited.

Then the real work begins. For three weeks, the routine and expectations really kick in. The lesson planning cycle begins hardcore. The times I meet with my coach become more predictable. The training sessions in the afternoon after a morning in the classroom will start to feel routine. The wildest part of training is almost complete. The real challenge is waiting to begin.

The complete lesson plans given to us at the start are starting to become less and less complete. I am starting to be responsible for more and more parts of the lesson. By the end, I am supposed to responsible for an entire lesson, start to finish. No pressure though. I would be lying if I said I did not freak out every now and then thinking about all the lessons I will have to plan this upcoming school year. It is a lot. I will have to take it one week at a time, only because one day is not enough prep time.

I did make it back to Austin this weekend. Let me first apologize to all the people I did not get to see. This was a bit of an impromptu trip that was also meant to surprise my mom. The joke was on me, she was not surprised. It was great to see everyone again. I think it is a major reason why I have not felt the need to write recently. I was surrounded by familiar people this weekend far away from most thoughts of work. No BBQ this weekend so that was a little sad but there is always next time!

Shopping for an apartment was terrifying. There are so many things to be mindful of. What are the closets like? What about the bathroom? The bathtub? How much carpet is in the place? How many rooms? How big are the rooms? Washer? Dryer? Kitchen appliances? Patio? Utilities? Dining room space? Living room space? Stairs? Community pool? Community gym? Distance from work? Distance from fun? Double-paned windows??? The list goes on and on and there was no way I could get all of these answered on every tour. I did ultimately make a selection but I can assure you, it was not easy. Signing up to live somewhere for the next year of your life is a major commitment, especially if you decide you cannot stand the place one month in. The application is in though. My deposit is paid. There is no going back at this point. More details about the apartment will come later, I promise.

It's a short week. It feels completely full though. There is still so much to do even with only two days left. The countdown to the end of Institute has begun. The feelings are as mixed as they are intense. I plan on preparing myself to buckle down and focus on getting stuff done. Not because I have not already been doing that, but because there is so little time yet so much still left to learn and practice. Do not let me get lost in the rush of it all! I enjoy hearing from you. What you did over the weekend. What random thing you thought of today while eating. It is all amazing to me and I will continue to share as much as I can. It is going to be a great month, I can feel it.

First Days of Summer School

Writing today was very necessary.

I have been trying to unpack everything from the last few days with little success. They say that time flies when you're having fun. What they don't tell you is that time also flies when you are juggling a million and one things and all you really want it to do is stop, or at least slow down. Some of the challenges of the past few days I knew were coming. That being said, I did not prepare for all them.

I prepared for the rush of the school. I am familiar with the prep work that happens between greeting students, meeting with this person here and another person of there, double and triple checking your PowerPoint and lesson notes, rehearsing this line or that line, glancing at the information from the day before and peeking at the day ahead, all the while wearing a smile and really listening to the answer when you ask "How was your day?"

I was prepared for the awkward first days of school when students are still figuring out who the person standing in front of them is and what role they will play in their life. I was not the student that was ready to share my life story, an answer, or anything else until I had been in class for at least two weeks. I was not (I am improving but I still have a lot of growth to do) the best at introducing myself and making friends in a room full of strangers. Trust and familiarity take time to build and I am okay with waiting and nudging my students and myself along until we get to that point of relative comfort with one another.

I did not prepare for how to deal with blatant profanity in the classroom. When I found out I would be teaching high school students, I knew that I would be called a "faggot" at least once before the summer was over. Typing the word is hard, but having it thrown at you as a slur is much harder. This is not the first time I have been on the receiving end of such profanity. That does not make it sting any less. The fact that it came from a student who still have much to learn about the world did not make it sting any less. The moment of triumph came when I maintained a straight face and neutral attitude. The moment of triumph came when I spoke about respecting the emotional space we all occupy in a classroom. The moment of triumph came again today when I hit the reset button and walked into class fresh, whole, and unbothered by the day before.

Teaching is not easy. Teaching is intensely personal. The most difficult part comes when the comments from others feel like a personal attack on your work, your art, your craft, your profession, your career. I know that maintaining a poker face will not always be so easy. I know there will be times when comments feel like a punch to the gut. There is no way to truly prepare myself to for every possibility, but I do know that I can open my mind, my heart, and my spirit. I can let down my walls and remember that I am doing my best. I know that I am not perfect and I have a lot to learn, but know that I am trying.

These days did not come only with obstacles to be overcome. There were great moments as well. I spent an entire day enjoying Dallas. Driving around, exploring neighborhoods, visiting the Dallas Museum of Art, and genuinely enjoying the day with my friend. It was amazing and I am looking forward to so many incredible weekends. In fact, Friday will be the start of what is sure to be a restful four day weekend. So these past few days have been busy, and tough, but they've been refreshing as well.

There is one thing that stands out as the pinnacle of great news since. On Monday morning, I began my fourth interview since starting with Teach For America. The first part of this interview was a phone call that took place an hour before my first lesson. My conversation with this principal left me thrilled and full of energy. I went into my classroom feeling like I could teach the world. After dinner, I took some time to FaceTime this principal to continue our conversation. I was then able to speak with the Assistant Principal a few hours later and learn more about the school and just spend time getting to know the administrators on campus. An hour after the completion of this conversation, I received a call from the principal again. I walked down the hall and braced myself for the news.

I am now absolutely thrilled to announce that this fall, I will be the 5th grade science teacher at Eastern Hills Elementary School in Fort Worth Independent School District. I have been a bit anxious completing interviews and waiting for responses but that weight has officially been lifted. I am so excited and I cannot wait to meet my students and my team in a few weeks! I must say thank you to all the people that have helped me get to this point in my journey. I couldn't possibly name everyone in one post, but know that I appreciate everything you have done for me up to this point. I am grateful and I will continue to do my best as a way to honor your contributions to my success.

Now, I get to tour apartments and figure out where I will be living in just a few short weeks! If anyone has any advice on questions I should ask while on tours, please let me know. I want to make sure I am moving in a great place so any experience you could share would be quite helpful! It's been a busy week, but I am ready to keep moving forward.

Routines

The starting session today dealt with self-care.

This has certainly been something I have made a priority in my life since high school. I struggled with this skill immensely in middle school. I stayed up all night completing homework. I was not eating the way I should have been. I did not make time for my friends on the weekend. I was stressed out all the time. It was not a good time for me.

Before I entered high school, I made a promise to myself. I would never let school push me to mistreat my body like I did during middle school. I have remained committed to that goal ever since. There was a bit of a struggle maintaining that promise when I did Breakthrough my first summer, but I kept at it. Even in college with the pressure of finals, grades, projects, and fraternity events, I did not let my health and well-being fall through by the wayside.

Now I find myself about to start my first year of teaching. Everything that everyone has said to me so far has made it seem like this will likely be the hardest thing I ever have to do. I will be stressed. I will feel overwhelmed. I will be tired. Of course, all of the people I have talked to have all made it through their first year of teaching and then some, so that's certainly reassuring. It does not take away from the weight of the information they have presented me with.

I have already made the initial commitment to reach out to my friend here in Dallas at least once a week. That does not mean that I text him once a week, but I call him or we find time to hang out and spend time away from our work. It is mutually beneficial and I am grateful for his support. Although I have started to write, I do worry that I will not be able to keep it up in the mayhem that is my first year. I worry that I will not make it to the gym as much as I have and it wreaks havoc on my body. I worry that I will forgo sleep in order to finish this or that task. I worry that I will skip the freshly cooked meals in favor of fast food or microwaveable meals.

I have my mom to check in and ask how I'm doing regularly. I have my friend. I wonder if this is enough. So I ask this of you: if you have any free time in the next year, please check on me. Send me a text or encouragement or ask if I have been eating or sleeping. I hope that this is not too much to ask and I while I will certainly make an effort to randomly check in on you as well, I can make no promises that it will happen regularly. An important point the presenter made today went something along the lines of "You can only help your students when you are bringing your best self everyday, and you can only bring your best self when you are taking care of yourself." I want to be the best for my students, and I would be grateful and honored if you would take part in that commitment with me.

We also spent quite a bit of time discussing classroom culture. This is certainly something that I have a hard time wrapping my head around. There are so many things that I want to happen in my classroom, so many things I want my students to feel and do but I am not always sure how to accomplish them. I know that I want my students to feel comfortable making mistakes, but how do I show them that it is okay to do so. I want my students to know that I care genuinely care about them, but what do I say or do to convey that?

I have been blessed with so many amazing teachers in my life. I have only rarely felt constantly tense or consistently uncomfortable in a classroom throughout my K-12 experiences. As one of your former students, I know firsthand that you do this incredibly well. I just never saw all of your tricks as a student. I did not always understand the rationale behind your actions. I now want to call on all of my teachers to teach me again. What are the things that you do that help students feel safe? How do you let students know it is okay to be themselves? Any advice you can give would be incredible and would set me one step closer to being a great teacher, even in my first year.

I know that I have asked a lot of you, but I can assure you that every little thing is important to me. I appreciate you more than you will ever know. I hope that one day I can be as helpful to you as you have been and will be to me. Thank you.

Unpacking

Training is pushing me to unpack far more than just my physical belongings.

A recurring theme through this first week of training has been to check your privilege. I have really enjoyed the challenge presented to all teachers starting on Move In day and continuing in at least one session every day. Checking my privilege is not a new concept. It is something I have worked on since learning about the concept of privilege sometime in college. My life experiences are something that ground me in this reality. They help me understand the world around me. These experiences can help me create connections to the people around me as well as push those people away.

I have enjoyed the discomfort of the conversations this week. Feeling confused and overwhelmed and lost is critical to understanding one's place in the world as well as components of other individual's struggles. The scenario in one session left me nearly speechless. It was something similar to "You are a single mother of a four year old child (it was not clear if this child was undocumented or not) and you live in a one bedroom apartment with four other strangers. You take your child to work and go to work. Some one shouts 'La Migra' and you are put in handcuffs and taken to a detention center. You do not know the number to your child's school. What do you do?"

I came up with no other response than "cry". Even days after this session, I am left without an answer. Others in the room suggested try to get a lawyer or find a way to get your child to come with you, but neither seemed practical. This was only one of the sessions this week. It has been a heavy week full of difficult questions and discussions. I feel my capacity of understanding and empathy increasing and I know that these encounters will make me a better teacher and a better person. I am excited to have more difficult conversations as the summer continues and when I reach my school in the fall.

A nice relaxing weekend after such a week is certainly welcome and more than appreciated. Taking the time to sit and think, sleep in, and explore this new city has been recharging. There is an entire week still ahead with training diving into preparation for the classroom. This summer, I will be teaching High School Biology. A bit of a stretch for my 4-8 Generalist certification, but enjoyable nonetheless. It seems as though that year of Biology in college will pay off after all.

This means week one is complete, six weeks left! Bring on the summer!

First Time In Fort Worth

The bus ride wasn't all that bad. Fort Worth and Dallas always seem much farther apart on maps. I'm sure the commute looks quite different in the morning as everyone rushes off to work or in the afternoon during the journeys home.

I would be lying if I said I was not a bit disappointed when they told me I would be teaching in Fort Worth. I know that Fort Worth is obviously a part of the DFW "metroplex", but I never really considered moving to Fort Worth. Today, any of my remaining concerns were erased by our visit.

Fort Worth certainly did not seem to have the large and confusing highway system found everywhere in Dallas. I did not get to truly venture into the downtown area of the city so the skylines will have to be compared a bit later this summer. Texas Wesleyan University certainly seems like a pretty great place to be studying. The people we met today were incredibly warm and welcoming. The accents in Fort Worth seem to be just a bit stronger than in Dallas, but that could just be because of my limited exposure to native Dallas people so far.

I have had a bit of time to settle into my dorm. My roommate and I get along pretty well. I am usually exhausted by the end of the day so we do not really talk much. He gives me space to be reflective and I appreciate it. The food this week has been pretty great. We have had brisket, falafel, Panera bread sandwiches, and pitas among other things. Starving is certainly not a concern I have for the remainder of the summer. I have not had an opportunity to make it to the gym, which has been a bit disappointing. I got so used to going everyday that not going feels a bit off. I do not think it has had any major impact on my body, but it's still early. I will be getting back to my workouts soon, hopefully next week at the latest.

This has been the most social I have ever been in my life. Everyone has been so kind and welcoming. It almost feels like a dream sometimes. Spending the day with the other people teaching in Fort Worth made everything feel more relaxed. Sitting in a room with 150 people everyday can get a little overwhelming at times. It can also get a bit difficult to make solid connections with constant group shake-ups. I am sure the intent to get Corps Members to meet as many other members as possible, but in such a short time, I think it's important to start working on bonds with people you will be working with frequently during the summer and during the next two years.

The organization of Teach For America has absolutely blown my mind. I know I have mentioned this before but it is still something I cannot get over. I have never been a part of an organization that runs so efficiently. Sessions start and end on time. Information is posted everywhere on so many forums. There are always people around to answer questions or guide you to your next session. It has been quite enjoyable.

All of this preparation has certainly made me anxious to start teaching. I am ready to jump into those summer school classrooms and really dig into what it's like being a teacher. I am excited to lesson play; I am excited to collaborate; I am excited to observe and be observed; I am excited to get feedback. This preparation is all helpful but I cannot wait for the real challenges and the real fun to begin.

The Big Move

"At least it wasn't 100 degrees outside."

I had to remind myself of this fact as I made the four trips between my new dorm room and my spot on the first floor of the parking garage. I haven't lived in a dorm since my freshman year of college, just over three years ago. Again, I find myself on the fourth floor but at least this building has an elevator.

In a lot of ways, this experience overlaps with my first summer as a Breakthrough teacher and as a freshman at my college orientation. I feel more comfortable here at Institute. I cannot always pinpoint if that is because of the confidence I developed at UT or because everyone here seems so incredibly welcoming and friendly. The staff members are so intent on making you feel welcome and part of their family.

The use of my nickname based on my middle name on official documents certainly puts me at ease. I do not have to spend so much time informing everyone that although my first name is Anthony, I actually prefer to be referred to as Kris. These details show me that a lot of planning and effort went into this event. The staff here has clearly made every effort to be as open and welcoming as possible. Information is readily available in so many places. I admire the efficiency of this program immensely.

I am immensely excited for the rest of the summer. We are spending these first few days learning about the journey we are all about to embark on together. The next few weeks will be challenging for sure, but there is something about the atmosphere here that makes me feel that everything will be okay. There are people all around me who will be completing similar work as myself. We all have similar goals and incredible amounts of support. I am quite ready to begin my summer school teaching.

This calm before the storm has left me with quite a bit of reflection time. A list of individuals that were essential to my success up to this point. I want to take some time and space to list out as many as possible. There is no way to capture every person and every thing they have ever done for me, but it never hurts to start somewhere. This list may not be complete by the end of today, the end of this week, or even by the end of Institute, but know that I am working on it and it will be created.

Writing about my journey is a new experience for me. I am not certain of the direction my reflections will take. I know they will be important parts of my expressions of triumph and frustration. They will keep others informed of my experiences. The rest is still in development. This is certainly just one of the things I am looking forward to this summer.